Here it is June 17th, it's been 20 1/2 months since Pat has worked. Today is not a good day. I do not know what makes some days harder to deal with? I got up early, around five thirty, maybe that is what is making me feel hopeless?  I did not get enough sleep?I just get so tired of the hope that comes with Pats interviews...then the wait...and then nothing.You would think that the places he interviews with would have the decency to at least call him back and let him know that he didn't get the job? I mean, how long would it take to send off an email or give a call to tell him "we went with someone else"?  For the life of me I do not understand the reason why he has not gotten a job yet? Mom still thinks it's his age. I wonder if that's the reason or if it's our bad credit that has been destroyed from not having enough money to pay the bills this past year? I can't help but think that there has to be a common denominator because the man has been on so many interviews over the past year. Some he was sure he would get, because he knew someone there, a few he was the only person to interview for the position, so we thought it was a done deal. And yet nothing. He applied for pizza hut, he applied for the general dollar store, he applied for Home Depot, he applied for the shopette on base, the list goes on and on..it's not like he isn't trying. Since the loan company we have our house with offered us a deal, to pay half the amount of the usual payment for four months, we were able to make our first payment to them, in months, just last month. It felt good to pay this, but....of course, it left us shorter on cash then we already were. After we pay the house and the car, the utilites and car insurance, we are left with very little for groceries. For the past three or four months we have been pawning one of my diamond rings and Pats wedding band just to make thru another week. Of course, this is a vicious cycle because come the next pay, we have to get the rings out of hawk...only to be able to wear them another few weeks until we're headed back to the pawn shop to get the money we need to survive thru another week. I really do not think  most people realize what it's like to be in our shoes. Sunday was fathers day. I would have loved to have had steaks and potatoes for our family, but there was no way we had the money to buy this, instead we had spaghetti and meatballs. We bought two packs of hamburg because when I make meatballs I like to have at least 30 of them. Dave alone can take out 7 with his first plateful! This is one of the few things I make that everyone likes. So I'm preparing my sauce when I run out of garlic salt. Next the meatballs, when I open the secnd pack of hamburg I notice it's not the right color, instead of pink it's brown! I smell it and it stinks....I want to cry because I know we cannot afford to buy another pack of hamburg. We were not even able to afford the garlic salt yet alone the meat! I make my meatballs a lot smaller then i normally do and I"m able to get 20 out of the one pack of hamburg. I tell Pat that he and I cannot eat as many  meatballs as we may like...we have to make sure there is enough for the kids. Saturday night Christie and her family came over for an early fathers day celebration. We ordered two little ceasars pizzas that night...and once again, I told Pat limit your intake of the pizza! This about kills me because I am a "foodie"...i love to eat and I love to see others eating what I have. Christie made her dad some homemade peanut butter candy for fathers day and Kate brought over cupcakes on Sunday, for which I was very grateful to both of them for, because it gave us a dessert. We used to buy donuts every Sunday before the kids came over. I can't remember the last time we did? Those were the little treats in life that we took for granted. In spite of not having as much food as I'd have liked, we still had a wonderful time with the kids here. They were good to their dad...all four of them gave him  money for his gift, which believe me, we needed and appreciated! Do you know how hard it is to take money from one of your children? Granted this was for an occasion, but it still is not easy to do. Christie and Brian gave Pat his (money) gift a week early, because they knew the financial shape we were in that weekend. Christie and Brian have a rough time themselves trying to make ends meet, yet here they are, giving Pat twenty bucks the week before fathers day. I thank God for all of our kids. As crazy as they sometimes make me, they have the most generous hearts and souls. For some time Dave was buying us soda, toilet paper and laundry detergent on every one of his pay days. Dave does good making it pay day to pay day...and he's buying us groceries?! It's a hard pill to swallow, it makes me ashamed that we are in the position we're in, but it also makes me feel so proud of the way our kiddos have turned out! I love them more then life itself!
So we're talking about having a yard sale this weekend, something to give us money to make it thru another week? The thought of it makes me sick. I have no desire to stand outside in the heat making small talk with strangers who will want to barter me down for my possesions that I'm HAVING to sell just to make it thru the week. At first I was on board with the idea, but the closer the weekend gets, the less enthusiastic I am about it. Like I said, today is a bad day. I feel like i'm stuck in groundhog day..it's the same thing, day in and day out. We can't even afford to go to the mall to get anutie annes pretzels and a starbucks drink anymore. Even a drive to st louis is out of the question because we have to watch our gas. I want to scream right now...I feel angry and depressed and then I feel guilty for feeling this way, because I know there are so many people out there who have it a lot worse then us. We are healthy and we have been blessed with four beautiful children and 3 son in laws (almost three..Chris and brian are engaged with a wedding coming up this next spring), and the icing on our cake is our 8 grandchildren! Allys three, Kates three, Christie and Brians one, and Brians son Colin. They are the most beautiful kids on the face of this earth! I wish I could be as carefree as they are! I wish I could find happiness in something as simple as the rain hitting my cheeks, the sun shining on my face, and running barefoot thru the back yard! It makes me sad that i've lost these simple joys in life. I feel like it's an effort just to get out of bed some mornings. Because I know it's going to be the same today as it was yesterday. Get up, brush my teeth, take a shower, and on a lot of the days, put on clean pjs, because i know we aren't going to go anywhere. Groundhog day. I fall into my pit of depression and then I feel guilty when I hear or read about someone else who is going thru something far worse then what we are. I read a blog about a little boy, his mom calls him Trippadoodle, he's a little four yr old who has the face of an angel, who was hit on the head this year with a falling tree limb. It was heavy enough and hit hm hard enough, that it caused him to suffer severe brain damage. His mom has a blog about his progress, about her hopes and dreams for her once normal little Tripadoodle, that make our financial problems seem like a walk in the park. She wakes up each morning with hopes of her little boy making it thru the day, of his being able to do the small little things, like moving his hands and feet, keeping his feedings down, his following her with his eyes when she talks to him,  that I imagine she once took for granted too. There are a lot of blogs out there about people and their children who are going thru devastating diseases and health problems. My heart aches for them all, but theres something special about little Trippadoodles blog that touches my heart. I pray for him to be healed, for this sweet little boy to become the normal little boy he once was. It's hard for me to understand how this could have happened to a child. I do not like to question God, but when it's a child in need or hurting, I do? Just like when Ally lost her precious little baby boy Anderson. Why why why???? I had a baptist pastor who was also my hypnotist at the time, tell me that maybe there was something worse for Anderson down the road..that maybe he would have gotten a cancer or an illness that would have been far worse then his passing so soon? He said that even he could not understand why bad things happen to innocent babies and children? We just have to believe that God knows the whys and His plan is a perfect plan. We have to know in our hearts that one day we will all be together again and that all of our pains and hurts and illnesses and diseases will be gone. We will be in perfect health. Trippadoodle will be running around like the rambunctious little toddler I'm sure he was before that tree limb hit him, Ally will be lovingly holding baby Anderson in her arms, all pain and all hurt will be gone! Just writing about this puts my problems back into perspective again...now I think i'll head out side to feel the warmth of the sun shining on my face and maybe I'll even walk (not run) thru the backyard to feel the cool blades of grass tickling my feet! The only thing that could make it any better would be if it started to rain and I could feel the soft cool raindrops hitting my face....and of course, a rainbow would be the cherry on top of the sundae!

I have two blogs out there and I get mixed up with which one I'm in. I need to move the other one over to this one so I just have one. It's a tuesday night. Pat's asleep on the couch and he's snoring which drives me nuts! I didn't leave the house today. Pat and Dave went to the movie to see Star Trek. Dave's on vacation this week. Still no job for Pat, but he has had a couple interviews so at least we have something out there on the burner to hope for. Other good news is the loan company we have our house with offered us a deal. We pay half the normal payment, $650 for four months and then they'll refinance the loan. Pat just paid the first payment of $650 last week and he said it felt so good! When I told my sister about it, she said it probably felt good because it gaurentees us a roof over our head and  because it means that we can't be booted out! I myself, think it was more a feeling of pride that felt so darned good! It's hard to hold onto your pride when you're in the position we're in. Not being able to pay the credit cards or the house and paying the other bills late does not make you beam with pride. Just the opposite. It makes me feel ashamed. We've no one to blame but ourselves for this mess that we're in, BUT we never in a million years dreamed it would be as hard as it is for Pat to find work. We assumed he would get a job as soon as he started the search. Boy were we wrong!
I did have some excitement going on this past week. I put in for a reality show, a game show that is called "Family Room". The app asked for familes who are fun and crazy, who can bicker but make up. I figured my family was perfect for this show! We definately fit the crazy bill! When I got a call from the casting director telling me he was interested, I called my sister and brothers to run it by them. They all said they would do it if we got chosen. I let the casting director know this and he then interviewed us. Well, he interviewed me, Chris, and Jim. He never was able to get ahold of Rick. We had planned on the eight players being me, Chris, Randy, Rick, Liv, Jim, Sherri, and Taylor. We were told that the show would be held in a family room setting and we'd have to put together puzzles and furniture...for instance an IKEA desk or table. We would be playing against another family of eight and had the chance to win up to $25,000! Our flights to L.A. and our hotel and food were going to be paid for too. To me it was a win/win deal! A free trip (for two to four days) to L.A., and a chance to win some money! not to mention the excitement of being on t.v.! I was pleasantly shocked when my sister and brothers all said they were in for it! The casting director called four or five times...he did interviews over the phone and asked me to send him pictures of all of us. When he saw them he said we were his favorite family and he really wanted to get us on the show. Things were moving fast. Another woman who works for the show called yesterday and said she wanted to start booking us. She said we have an amazing family! Which of course, I have to agree with! I love my sister and brothers so much! I was thrilled and started daydreaming about our trip. I could just imagine dad looking down on us four kids, his four kids, and laughing at all of us! He loved seeing the four of us together. We always act crazy when we get together. We revert back to our childhood and have so much fun! Anyway, to make a long story short, Rick opted out first and then Chris. Which i respect, i would never want them to feel obligated. I respect their choice, but i do not understand it. It made me sad. It was a diversion from my dwelling on our financial situation and Pat not having a job. It gave me something to dream about again. I looked at it like a four day all expense paid vacation. Lord knows we can't afford to go on one now...a trip to the mall to eat auntie annes pretzles is as good as it gets for us these days..so a trip to L.A. sounded like well...what it was...too good to be true! In the end I would never want my sister and brothers to do anything that they weren't comfortable with, but it still makes me sad! Oh well...life goes on and I can only pray and hang onto hope that Pat will find a job soon and then we can afford to pay for our own vacation! I really hope Chris, Rick and Jim and their spouses all join us. I don't think they realize how much I need them now. I always need them and I always will love them, but when you're going thru a rough time you need your family more. Not for their money, but for their reassurance that everything is going to be okay! and for their company and love!

Today is a dreary day, no sunshine and rain. Rain rain rain!! It sure doesn't feel like spring. We did get out today, went over to Christie and Brians to take some of their stuff (that they had stored here) back to them. If we have to move on a short notice, we want to be as ready as we can be. It's amazing how much junk we have around here! We found a townhouse here in Mascoutah that allows cats, of course, they have no idea that we have SIX of them, so if we have to move there, we'll have to sneak four of them in! I am an animal lover, my pets are like my babies....I will give up jewelry and clothes and furniture, but I refuse to give up my cats! They did nothing wrong to get us into the financial shape were in. I feel like we're living in Groundhog day. That movie with Bill Murray where every day is the same as it was yesterday. We get up, mess around on the computers, get ready for bed around three oclock and watch tv. I'm about ready to lose my flipping mind! Pat has put in for more jobs, he hangs onto hope, which is good, because I lose mine more often then not. I get beyond frustrated. I know everything happens for a reason, but I can't figure out what this reason is? I've learned my lesson, I know we need to have some money in savings. I am sorry for how much I took for granted....so why can't Pat find a job?!! I question the Lord and then I feel guilty. I know there are others who have it worse off then us. We really are blessed with good health and healthy beautiful children and grandchildren. But I still cannot understand why we are going thru this trial?
I was supposed to go back to Ohio to help out with my mom after she got out of rehab (from having two hip surgeries on a broken hip). I offered to go when my sister called me sounding tired and desperate for help with mom. I offered to go speaking from my heart and not my brain and once I sat down to figure out how we'd even get to moms, I realized I couldn't leave at this time. I just can't leave Pat here alone. Our days are long enough as it is, but at least we have each other for company. Not to mention that we do not have the money to travel that far. My sister said she would give us money for the trip from moms account. I just couldn't do it. I know my family means well, but it isn't easy accepting money from any of them. One thing I am trying to hang on to is my pride! I love my siblings and my mom with all my heart and soul, but when some of them say "we know what you're going thru" I want to say NO...you don't! We are not making enough money to make it thru a month. We sell things on ebay and Pat recently pawned my ring. We do not make enough money to buy groceries for the month or gas for the car without selling something. We live in fear that we may have to move. We can't eat out, we can't do much of anything anymore. I feel like a big loser. I feel like a disappointment to my kids. When I tell Pat i feel like a loser, he tells me that what I really mean is that he is a loser. He takes it personal and I really do not mean it that way. I was the big spender between the two of us. Not Pat. I have so many regrets, but of course, they do me no good, so I need to let them go. I have a friend who is living off less then we do. She and her boyfriend live off $800 a month. She somehow manages to pay their bills and keep their home with this. My heart goes out to her. Yet she has the most positive attitude! I am envious of her for this. I get down in the dumps, I cry, I feel rage...more then once I've had the urge to throw something, anything, to break it just to let go of my frustrations and anger. I get so depressed that I don't want to do a thing. Forget cleaning house, I find it hard to even call my family. What am I going to say..it's not like we do anything different with each new day. Same old same old...living in groundhog day! It's an effort getting showered and dressed yet alone making small talk with people. I feel like holing up in my home, for as long as I have a home to hole up in, and shutting out the world. I used to be a dreamer. I used to say that I danced my way thru life. Now I won't even allow myself to dream about things I want in life....and instead of dancing i feel like i'm crawling! Lord help me!

Here it is almost 5 months later from when I last posted in this blog! I think my last entry was right before Thanksgiving. So much has happened since then.  Best of all, we've been blessed with two more little miracles. Emily Noelle Martin made her debut on December 4th. She is a beautiful little cherub who was born with a headful of dark hair, something we're not used to seeing..hair on our grandbabies! A little over a month later, on Jan. 10th we welcomed yet another little miracle into our world, Benjamin Winters Adams. Ben's a beautiful little boy...who once again shocked us by being born with hair! My girls must have had a lot of heartburn while pregnant with these two! There is nothing sweeter then welcoming a new baby into the world and when it's your grandchildren, it's even better! We have 7 grandchildren and they really are the light of my life!

I do have to mention their names here....Emilys name was kept a secret until she was born. Kate and Chris did this with all three of their kids and it about drove us nuts trying to guess what their names would be! I love Em's name and her middle name Noelle is perfect for a december baby! Master Benjamins middle name is a family name. Winters was my great grandpas middle name! So it's special to me. Welcome to our world Em and Ben! You're both in for a crazy ride with the Wheeler side of your families! Thank You God for these two perfect blessings!
Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone and we're already in a new year.  Time seems to zip by. and the saying is true, the older you get, the faster it seems to go by. I will turn 58 next month! I can't believe it. Fifty eight is OLD! no getting there, I'm already there! Aging is bittersweet. Inside my head I still feel the same way that I did when I was in my twenties. Unfortunately, my body isn't co-operating with my brain! I can't do what I used to do back then and I definately do not look like I looked back then! I swear I've aged about twenty years in the past year and a half. With Pat being out of work the stress has been almost unbearable at times. Of course gone are my botox and juviderm fillers! I can't even make it to the beauty salon. No more extensions and my color comes from a box that I buy at walmart. I was a very high maintenance kind of girl. I took for granted all that I had and was able to do. A few cruises a year, trips here and there, new clothes and shoes, and eating out any time I wanted. Now a trip to St Louis is a treat and eating pretzels from auntie annes at the local mall is about as good as it gets eating out! I get angry with myself because I know how we flittered money away. We were having the time of our lives and we thought it would never end. When Pat left anheuser busch he was sure he'd have a new job within three months of his quitting. That three months turned into a year and then a year and a half. Right now our house is in foreclosure and our credit cards are not being paid. The credit we worked hard at getting good is worse then it's ever been. We went from an annual six figure income to living off of about $2000 a month in retirement pay. After paying the few bills that we are still paying, we do not have enough money to make it thru the month with food. I've sold some things on ebay to tide us over and Pat pawned one of my rings last week to help out. We fight and we cry. We make up and fight again. I get angry with Pat because in my mind he could have and should have been working somewhere this past year...ANYWHERE, even if it's McDonalds! Of course, some of you probably are thinking, "well so could you". I defend myself, or try to here, by saying that I've low self esteem, which I do, and I also suffer from terrible social anxiety. Just the thought of being out in public around other people terrorizes me. And now i'm going to set womens lib back about a hundred years, but i believe the man should be the bread winner. Pat married me knowing that I was not going to work after we had children. He went on to college and got his masters degree. I have a high school diploma. I don't even know why I'm writing about this stuff..it really makes no difference at all. The bottom line is we're in deep financial trouble and even though we've no one to blame but ourselves, it still sucks big time! Pat has been on so many job interviews and each time he would head out the door all dressed up in his suit and tie I had hopes of him getting that job. But after so many of these interviews, I kind of lost my hope. I got angry and bitter and wondered why this was happening to us? Just this past weekend I about went over the edge. They say that losing ones sanity is as fine of a line as a crack in a sidewalk...well, saturday I felt like i was going to fall over that crack. I felt like i was hanging onto the edge of a cliff by my fingertips and i was about ready to let go. To say it scared me is an understatement. Thank God my sister talked me thru it and my friend Liv prayed for me. Then Kate and her family were here Sunday and of course, my grandbabies helped me heal. That's why I say there is nothing sweeter then your grandbabies! They can heal a heartache with a mere smile, they can give you back your hope without saying a word...just seeing their precious little faces is medicine for my heart and soul! and tonight i'll get another dose of this well needed medicine when Chloe belle is here! I wish that Patrick, Harrison and Ben were closer so I could see them more often, but for now, I have to make due with the time we are able to see them. Life goes on....it may be different for us now, it may not be what we had dreamed and hoped it would be at this time in our life, but it is what it is and we just have to keep on trudging along and most of all, not let go of our hopes and dreams. I may be old but I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet!

Two more days and Thanksgiving will be here. The older I get the faster time seems to go by. A lot of the time I forget just how old I am and think I'm ten years younger! I do not feel like I'm 57 in my head, but I know I look every one of my 57 years and believe me, my body FEELS every one of my 57 years! Aging can be frustrating. I get mad when I can't open a pill bottle (I have arthritis in my hands), and even when I can open the dang bottle, I can't read the dosage on it! Where's my reading glasses? Can't remember because my memory is bad. Vision is going downhill, fingers don't work like they used to, and my knees feel like they're going to give out every time I get up from a sitting position! How can the image of myself inside my head be so different from what's really going on with my old body?!! I just have to remind myself of what my sister says, "It (aging) sure beats the alternative"! I love my sister so much!
Now on the fashion scene...lol...my fashion scene...remember when I was all excited about that apron dress from anthropoligie that my friend Kim had posted a picture of on facebook? The one with the little scottie dogs on it?  I just had to find that dress and order it! It was such a steal at $32! Well, I got it in the mail last week and was shocked to find that it isn't a dress afterall, it's an APRON! One of those old fashioned aprons that mom and grandma used to cook in! OMG...are you kidding me?!! I didn't even think they made those things anymore! This just goes to show you how impulsive I am with my shopping. I didn't even know exactly what I was ordering online, I was sure it was a dress...and I had visions of myself in it with matching scottie dog earrings or a bracelet...Im crazy enough that if I found scottie dog shoes, I'd have bought them too! One of my crazy theme outfits!! Anyway, seeing that the only place I could wear this thing is in the kitchen over an oven, it's going back to anthropoligie! I don't cook, so where in the heck am I going to wear it?!! It is cute, but it just isn't going to get any use from me! Here it is....

and here's a picture of the pearl necklace Pat bought me for our anniversary....

It's a beautiful necklace. It has a heart shaped clasp with diamonds on it in the back. I usually do not like heart shaped jewelry, but I do like this necklace! Don't know if you noticed, but I had it on in the picture of me in the scottie dog apron too....I felt like June Cleaver with that apron on with the pearl necklace!
Now for my exciting news..Pat got a job! Thank You Lord! He interviewed on our anniversary and found out he got it on that same day.  He starts the 3rd of December. He won't be making as much as he did at anheuser busch, BUT....this job is in Shiloh, which is a lot closer to us then Anheuser busch was (in St Louis). It's a contracting job and has good benefits, we'll just have to pray that they keep renewing the contract. Now it's time to play "catch up" with our house payment and mortgage. We've fallen behind about four months on them. We've been using credit cards to pay for our food and gas and basics. I never ever dreamed we would be in this situation. But we were. It's taken away a sense of security I had. I took too much for granted.  When Pat opted for an early retirement with anheuser busch last oct. his plan was to retire while the settlement money was still on the table, use it to dig out way out of the massive debt we made, and put some back for when he really does retire. He figured he'd take off three months to chill out and then go back to work. Ha...that three months turned into six months, then nine, and before we knew it a year had passed by. And it wasn't like Pat wasn't looking for work, he put in for a lot of jobs and he interviewed for more then a few. He'd come home feeling good and confident about the interview and then we'd never hear back from the place. I know this made him feel bad. I on the other hand was angry more then sad. I was mad that these places didn't hire him. I decided that it had to have been age discrimnation because Pat is well educated (he has a masters degree) and he's very smart. So, in my mind I decided that it was either his age, or that he was over qualified. I guess we'll never know why the companies he interviewed with didn't hire him, but I am over my anger I was feeling toward them. It's their loss and the company Pat will be working for(s) gain! Now we both need to work on our spending habits. I may need extra therapy for this one! I just love my shopping! Even with him being out of work I got my Christmas shopping done...with the credit cards we paid off last Oct.! I have an excuse...remember, I'm manic depressive! Thats my excuse and I'm sticking with it!
Here's my dose of cute for today!

Just two more weeks from today and we'll have another dose of cute in our lives! Kate's having her baby girl on December 4th and I can't wait to meet her!

Today is such an emotional day for me. My memory takes me back 38 years ago, it's a cold day,and I do not like cold weather, but it doesn't even phase me because I'm on my way to marry the love of my life! I'm in my ivory colored knee length dress at the courthouse pledging my love to my knight in shining armor. (Pat,  you may not believe it, but you really did save me.) I was searching for love in all the wrong places...that sounds so cliche (isn't there even a song about this?!), but it's true. All I ever wanted was to feel loved and you filled this void far beyond my wildest dreams! How ironic that I say I was "looking for love in all the wrong places", when I think about WHERE we met! We met in a bar called "the Sandbox" in Mansfield, Ohio. I was with some high school friends, and the way you tell it, I went over to the jukebox to play some songs (Pink Floyds "money") when you saw me and  knew that I was going to be the girl you would one day marry! All my searching, and you found me!
We were friends before we dated. We met in the summer, Pat was home from college and when it was time for him to go back to school (Kent State) he asked me if I would move into an apartment with him there. I told him that not only would I NOT move in with him, but that I was NOT going to wait around for him either. I knew what I was doing when I told him this, it was my sneaky little plan to get him to propose! He must not have picked up on it though, because I think I proposed to him! And it must not have been a very romantic proposal because I really have no memory of it, other then my ultimatum that I gave him. "NO...I will not move in with you"...and "YES...I am going to date other guys when you leave". Sneaky, but it worked!
We were planning a March wedding. I went to a Bridal shop and found the gown of my dreams. I tried it on and felt like Cinderella! I had my friend take a picture of me in it. I'm glad I had my camera in tow, because I never did get this gown. Because we moved the date we were going to get married on to a sooner date, I had no time to save the money for my Cinderella gown. We gave my mom and dad about a weeks notice and Pats poor mom and dad were told the night before! No wonder his dads response was, "did you get this girl in trouble"?!!
I remember the day I told my dad that I was getting married like it was yesterday. We were on our way to Perkins Pancake House when I told him. He laughed and laughed. Not the response you would expect to get from your Dad, but I know he was happy for me (and I'm sure he was ready for me to move out)!  Mom was amazing, she took me to a shop called "Brooks" where I found my dress.She made sure I had my "something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue" I carried one of my Great Grandmas lace hankies for my something "old", my dress was my "new", my Great Grandmas wedding band was my "borrowed", and my garter belt was my "blue". Sky high beige high heels completed this brides wedding attire! My groom had on a pair of brown dress pants and a beige courderoy blazer. I think his hair was as long as long as mine!
Mom, Dad, John, Mildred (Pats Mom and Dad), my Grandma and Grandpa Maple, my sister Christie and Pats brother Dick (who were our witnesses), and Pats siblings all attended our  courthouse wedding. I do not even remember my 2 little brothers, Rick and Jim being there, I think they went to school instead! We were married by Mayor Richard Porter.
Our reception was at my Mom and Dads. Mom decorated the kitchen and had more then enough food for everyone (my sister in law Shelly still laughs at the pickled pigs feet that Mom had, hey....my Mom and Dad are "down to earth folk, salt of the earth"...what can I say?!! Our families were there, along with some neighbors and friends. The booze was flowing and by the end of the night, Pat's Dad John, had managed to piss off my Grandma, who was pouting in the basement, he and Dad had more then a few silly little arguments, and he fell down the stairs on his way out of the house! Thank God he wasn't hurt! He picked hiself back up and looked at my Dad and said "Now the silence begins"..referring to Mildred! He knew he was in trouble!
Pat and I spent our first night as husband and wife at Mohican Lodge, compliments of John and Mildred. Our second (and last) honeymoon night was spent at Salt Fork Lodge. Our first home was a tiny little attic apartment in Mansfield. From there we moved into a trailor that Pats Dad bought, which is where we lived until Pat joined the Air Force. When Pat filled out the paper work of the bases he wanted to be stationed at, he filled it in
with bases on the east coast, Myrtle Beach AFB, a few in Fla, and I think one in Ohio, Wright Patterson AFB.  Whoever decides where to station new AirMen and Women must have had a wicked sense of humor, because the base we were headed for was Ellsworth AFB in South Dakota! Where the heck is South Dakota?!! I'm getting sidetracked here, like I always do. I swear I have AADD. Back to our wedding day....at times it feels like only yesterday when two dumb young kids who thought they could live off of love alone (I forgot to mention that Pat didn't even have a job) were standing in that court house pledging their love and saying their vows, and yet at times it seems like a million years ago. We have been thru a lot in our 38 years together. Pain, heartache, joy, elation, worry, loss of loved ones, the miracle of new lives! We've fought and made up, cried together, and laughed together.  We have lost both of our Dads, and Pats Mom. Gone are Grandma and Grandpa Maple. Life carries on and with it we have been given four of our most precious gifts, Dave, Ally, Kate, and Christie. God continued to bless us with six beautiful grandchildren, Patrick, Eve, Harrison, Cole, Anderson, and Chloe, with two more on the way!
Two years ago today... my memory takes me back to our grandson Andersons birthday. It's our 36th anniversary.  We are in our car driving as fast as we can to get to Dallas. I am still praying and pleading with God to let Anderson live. We know that the odds are against him. Allyson found out in her fifth month of pregnancy that her amniotic fluids were very low and that her baby was going to have a lot of problems IF he even survived. She was sent to specialists and told to abort by a few of the doctors she had seen. She would not hear of it. She was going to carry Anderson until the day God placed him into her loving arms. We all prayed for a miracle. My sister in law, Jo, is a real prayer warrior. She set up a schedule for some of us to fast on while praying for Anderson to live.One day she asked that we all pray for one hour, (at the same time), for Anderson to be healed. I went out into our garage because it is the only place in our home, where I can go to where there is total silence. I sat down on the step and began to pray....Lord please heal this precious baby, over and over again, I prayed for this..I begged and pleaded, PLEASE Lord let him live! I KNOW You hear us, so please just give us this miracle.

Ally called us early in the morning to let us know that she was in labor. It's another cold day, but once again it is not phasing me. I'm on my way to meet my new grandson.  I have no memory of what I have on or what my knight in shining armor has on this day. I just want to get to Dallas as fast as we can. I'm still praying for a miracle, asking the Lord to let Anderson live. Ally calls us with occasional labor updates. We are somewhere in Oklahoma when she calls to tell us that Anderson has arrived and he's alive! She was told that he would probably be still born. She asks if we can hear him crying....at the time one of the millions of trains that goes thru Oklahoma just happens to be going by and we can't hear him crying. I am able to hear Ally crying and this breaks my heart. Oh how I wish I could take this pain away from her. When we hang up, I call my mom and sister and tell them that Anderson is here and he's alive! Thank You Jesus! Hurry up..let's get to Dallas! We knew that Andersons time here on earth was going to be short, so now I'm praying to make it to the hospital in time to see him while he's still livng. The next call from Ally comes close to two hours later. She tells us that Anderson has passed away. She says she was holding him when he took his last breath and that it was very peaceful. Now I'm mad...I'm angry with God for not healing Anderson. I'm angry at God for taking him away from us, and I'm angry at God for not allowing Anderson to live long enough for us to see him and hold him and tell him how much we love him. We make a bathroom stop and I break down. I just let it all out. I had so much bottled up inside me and I was still clinging to the hope of a miracle. Why couldn't you give us this miracle Lord? Even with the doctors telling Ally that Anderson was not going to make it, we still clung to our faith that You would heal him. Ally asked me if we wanted her to keep Anderson in her room until we got there so we could at least see him. Yes, we want to see our grandbaby! She calls a few more times to see how much longer we're going to be. It seems like an eternity, but we finally make it to the hospital in Dallas. Going up the elevator I feel sick to my stomach. A part of me wants to run and pretend like none of this ever happened. When we get to the maternity floor the first thing I notice is the bottle of hand sanitizers that are hanging on the walls outside of each of the rooms. I'm still angry with God when I think to myself, "no need for us to use that". We walk into Allys room and what I see is forever etched into my mind and memory. Mark is sitting on a couch beside Allys bed. Ally is in the bed holding her baby. Anderson is wrapped up in a blanket. If you didn't know any better you would never think that anything was out of the ordinary here. You would have seen a mom tenderly holding her newborn baby in her arms. But we know that this isn't the case. Ally is holding her beautiful little boy whose spirit has been gone for well over two hours. She asks me if I want to hold him and as she's handing him to me, I start to cry. Ally tells me not to cry that it will only cause her to cry too. How can I not cry when inside my heart is breaking into a million pieces for my beautiful daughter and her precious son. I take Anderson into my arms and think how heavy he feels. He's not a big baby, he's very small, yet he feels so heavy. I move the blanket away from his little face so I can see him better. He really is a beautiful baby. Small, but in my eyes perfectly beautiful! I want this moment etched into my memory...because I know it is the first and the last time that I will see Anderson here on earth. I look at his eyes, his nose, his ears, his little fingers. I am taking a photograph with my mind. I hand him to his peepaw to hold. I don't think peepaw is as comfortable holding him as I am, but he still holds him. and looking back on it,I believe he is glad he held him. I do not know how long we stayed at the hospital, but it didn't seem long enough. No amount of time would have seemed long enough because we knew that once we walked out that door that we would not be seeing Anderson again here on earth. In the elevator on our way up to Allys room I wanted to run away, after getting to her room, I didn't want to leave. We head over to Ally and Marks to relieve Marks mom Becky from babysitting the boys. You can feel the grief in the air...it feels as thick as fog, like you can cut it with a knife. Patrick and Harrison are asleep so we can't see them until morning. I cannot even remember what peepaw and I did the rest of the night before we fell asleep?
November 15th, 1974 was such a happy day for us! A day of celebration! A ceremony of two people who are so in love! Thirtysix years later, on November 15th we are mourning the death of our grandson Anderson. Life somehow doesn't seem fair to me on this day. I am hurting for my daughter, for her husband Mark, for their two little boys, Patrick and Harrison, and for myself and Pat. I am hurting for Dave, Kate, and Christie, for everyone who knows and loves Ally and Mark. I am still angry with God. I just cannot make sense of His taking a baby from us.
Now here we are two years later. It took me a long time to come to terms with this. I was seeing a hypnotist who is also a (Baptist) pastor and when I asked him why God would take a baby, he told me that even he cannot make sense of it...BUT...maybe He did it to spare the baby from something bad that may have happened later in his life. A cancer, or some other painful disease? I never thought of this.
I have a friend who I met on facebook. Her name is Mara and we've become what you could call facebook penpals. We have never met in person, but we have gotten close thru emails. Years ago, Mara lost her only brother, Tim, from a drunk driver hitting him when he was on his bike. The driver did not even stop. She left Maras brother laying in a ditch to die. At the time Maras brothers girlfriend was pregnant with their son. Tim never got to see his child. He never got to hold his son.  This year his son got married on the date that his dad (and Maras brother) died on. Mara told me that she was finally able to look at this date as a day of happiness and not the sadness that she felt for all the years since her brother died. There was a reason to celebrate this day now! She also told me to think of the day that Anderson died on NOT as the day that we lost him, but as the day that he was ushered up into heaven! What a beautiful way to look at it. Altho I will never understand why God took Anderson from us, I am no longer angry with Him. I thank Him for the short time that Anderson was here on earth. We did not make it in time to see him alive, but his mommy and daddy and two big brothers did, they were with him, along with Marks family and some of Ally and Marks friends when he came into this world and when he left this world. Ally was able to kiss her baby and cuddle him. She was able to look into his eyes and tell him how much she loved him. She was able to hold him after the umbilical cord was cut and he took his first breath and she was able to hold him when he took his last breath and his spirit entered the kingdom of God! Although this is not the miracle all of us had been praying for, it was a miracle none the less. That short amount of time that Anderson lived here on earth was a gift from God! His birth was such a blessing in all of our lives.
Allys faith thruout all she endured has left me in awe! I thank God for this! Everytime I pray I ask God to tell Anderson that his gamma loves him very much. I ask Him to let my dad and grandmas help take care of Anderson. I ask my dad to sing Anderson a lullaby! I ask God to continue to heal Allys hurt. and Im now asking Him to bless us with two more perfectly healthy babies! Kates little girl will arrive Dec 4th and Allys little boy will arrive in Jan. Life goes on...but we will never forget baby Anderson and we will always love him, and for the first time since he passed away, I feel like it's okay if I enjoy my anniversary. It was a privelage and a gift from God having Anderson born on our anniversary. I guess I'm seeing past the heartache and anger that I felt when Anderson died,  and into the blessings that came with his birth and his short little life here on earth. Thank You Lord Jesus for baby Anderson, no matter how short his time was, he counted and he is loved by us all! and thank You for my knight in shining armor! He has helped me every step of the way!

Happy anniversary Pat and Happy birthday Anderson! and thank You Lord for blessing me with Pat and Anderson!

It's a beautiful day! Cold, but the sun is shining! I do not have near as many warm winter clothes as I have summer clothes, and with the 16 lbs that I've put on over the past year, my choice as to what to put on for the day is even less, Grrrr! I'm really trying to take off some of this weight, but with my love of food it aint easy! Yesterday I did good all day UNTIL late last night when I sat down on the couch in front of the t.v.! Before I knew it I was shoving ritz crackers with the cheese from a can on them down my throat!
On my last attempt at a diet, Pat was taking a picture of me each and every morning in one of my bikinis (that I have NO business in) because I thought if I saw myself in it, it would make me stick to the diet. And, when I saw the progress I was making, it would make me stick to the diet...NOT! I've decided to have one taken once a week from now on.

I love photography! I used to love everything about it, most of all taking the pictures, but I loved being in front of the camera too. I was (and still can be at times) a real ham! I've learned that with the right lighting, the right time of day, and the right lens, anyone can look younger! I bought a new flash this past year and it's amazing how if it's used outside at the right time of the day, it erases almot all of my wrinkles! ALOT cheaper then botox and fillers or a full fledged face lift! Of course, my facebook friends who have not seen me in years, might not recognize me if they saw me in person! I guess I'm a facebook fraud! lol! Sometimes I think I put too much stock into pictures that I see of myself. If I do not like the way something I'm wearing looks in a picture, I will never wear it again. I could save a lot of money if I would carry my camera with me and snap a picture of myself in the clothes that I'm trying on before I buy them! As crazy as this sounds, I have had Pat take pictures of me before I bought some of my sunglasses! BUT..I splurge on my sunglasses. I bought my first pair of Coco's about 6 or 7 yrs ago and I still have them. (Dang it, that picture did not go where I wanted it to go again..i've got to figure out how to get my pictures I post here to go where I want them)! Oh well, above is a picture of my first pair of Coco shades! Nothing subtle about them being Coco Chanels with the HUGE CC logo on the sides of them! Yep...that's my style...gaudy granny! I do believe that there are three things a woman cannot spend too much money on, her sunglasses, her watch, and her pocketbook. These are things that you shouldn't feel guilty about spending a lot of money on because if you buy the right ones, they will last forever!  I'm still wearing my Gucci watch that I bought in Sicily (when we were stationed there) 22 years ago! I own two of the three things I believe it's worth splurging on. My shades and my watch.  I love my pocketbooks because they allow me to show off my grandkids without having to pull out my wallet that's full of their pictures. I buy them from an online site called snaptotes, but I'm still dreaming of one day owning a designer handbag!  When my daughter Allysons husband Mark surprised her with a Louis Vuitton pocketbook I think I was more excited then she was! I immediately ran to my computer to check out the Louis Vuitton bags to find the one I want! With Pat being out of work for over a year now, I've got a long wait until I'll be carrying myVuitton! Oh well, I can always dream!
With my saying this, I have to tell you that I have absolutely NO money sense! Which is no doubt, why we're in the financial shape we're in. I try to blame it on my mom, because as a child, I remember her saying more then once that "you might as well spend your money today, because you may not be alive to spend it tomorrow". Better to blame her then myself! yep it's all your fault mom!
I think I already mentioned in this post how my daughter Christie thinks I'm manic depressive, because when I shop I feel like I'm on a high...I get giddy! It's not until after I've thought about what I've done that I start to feel depressed! Online shopping is on a whole other level...because I don't even have to hand over or sign a credit card, it feels like it's free shopping to me! Kate will tell me about some new makeup or nail polish and I'm running for my computer, typing as fast as my big crooked fingers can type, ready to place my order! Poor Kate, she always tells me "oh no..please don't tell dad that I told you about this"! She knows her mom all too well! I tell Pat and I say "it's all Kates fault"! I have to give my mom a break from being the one I blame!
Yesterday I saw a post on fb from a friend, (Kim) of a dress from anthropolgie that she liked, I immediately clicked on it and purchased it! It is a cute dress..it has scottie dogs on it! and it was a steal at a mere thirty some dollars!  I know, I know, a 57 yr old woman should not be in a scottie dog print! But remember, in my head, I think I'm in my 20's! Let's just hope that I don't get scottie dog obsessed! Usually when I buy a top or a dress with print on it, I have to find earrings, a bracelet, and/or a necklace to match the print! I call these outfits my "theme outfits". I have my leopard theme outfit, my seahorse theme outfit (I even found seahorse sandals to go with this one), my starfish theme outfit (and yet again a pair of sandals to match this one), and my anchor theme outfit (yep..anchor sandals too),  I usually wear them on cruises. That's just one of the awesome things about a cruise...you can wear whatever you want and not have to worry about anyone looking at you like you've flipped your lid! Or maybe it's all the booze...you just don't notice them looking and laughing at you, because you're two sheets to the wind?! Being on a cruise ship is like being in another world! One cruise I wore a strapless black bra for my swimsuit top..no one even noticed! If I could afford it and it weren't for getting cabin fever, I'd live on a cruise ship!Okay, so my purchase of my scottie dog print dress is Kims fault! Lol...hey, I have to find someone other then myself to blame!
I can't believe that we're so close to welcoming our newest little grandaughter into our family! Kate has less then three weeks to go until her C-section. I'm ecstatic! And not too much longer after she has her little baby girl, Ally will be having her little boy! I just wish Ally and her guys didn't live so darned far away. I miss them terribly. I do thank God that Dave and Kate and her family live close to us, and for His bringing Christie back home to us. That was an answer to a long time prayer!
And with that I shall close...but not before adding on my dose of cute!

DANG it...it did it again...somehow too many pictures posted here! I clicked on three pictures, and I somehow ended up with 6 showing up on this page! The ones of Patrick and H and Eve and Cole are of their halloween costumes...the ones of Chloe Belle are not of her halloween costume...but it is an outfit that of course, gaudy granny bought! Next time she's in it, I may just have to get out my leopard theme outfit and have grandpa take a picture of the two of us!