Here it is June 17th, it's been 20 1/2 months since Pat has worked. Today is not a good day. I do not know what makes some days harder to deal with? I got up early, around five thirty, maybe that is what is making me feel hopeless?  I did not get enough sleep?I just get so tired of the hope that comes with Pats interviews...then the wait...and then nothing.You would think that the places he interviews with would have the decency to at least call him back and let him know that he didn't get the job? I mean, how long would it take to send off an email or give a call to tell him "we went with someone else"?  For the life of me I do not understand the reason why he has not gotten a job yet? Mom still thinks it's his age. I wonder if that's the reason or if it's our bad credit that has been destroyed from not having enough money to pay the bills this past year? I can't help but think that there has to be a common denominator because the man has been on so many interviews over the past year. Some he was sure he would get, because he knew someone there, a few he was the only person to interview for the position, so we thought it was a done deal. And yet nothing. He applied for pizza hut, he applied for the general dollar store, he applied for Home Depot, he applied for the shopette on base, the list goes on and on..it's not like he isn't trying. Since the loan company we have our house with offered us a deal, to pay half the amount of the usual payment for four months, we were able to make our first payment to them, in months, just last month. It felt good to pay this, but....of course, it left us shorter on cash then we already were. After we pay the house and the car, the utilites and car insurance, we are left with very little for groceries. For the past three or four months we have been pawning one of my diamond rings and Pats wedding band just to make thru another week. Of course, this is a vicious cycle because come the next pay, we have to get the rings out of hawk...only to be able to wear them another few weeks until we're headed back to the pawn shop to get the money we need to survive thru another week. I really do not think  most people realize what it's like to be in our shoes. Sunday was fathers day. I would have loved to have had steaks and potatoes for our family, but there was no way we had the money to buy this, instead we had spaghetti and meatballs. We bought two packs of hamburg because when I make meatballs I like to have at least 30 of them. Dave alone can take out 7 with his first plateful! This is one of the few things I make that everyone likes. So I'm preparing my sauce when I run out of garlic salt. Next the meatballs, when I open the secnd pack of hamburg I notice it's not the right color, instead of pink it's brown! I smell it and it stinks....I want to cry because I know we cannot afford to buy another pack of hamburg. We were not even able to afford the garlic salt yet alone the meat! I make my meatballs a lot smaller then i normally do and I"m able to get 20 out of the one pack of hamburg. I tell Pat that he and I cannot eat as many  meatballs as we may like...we have to make sure there is enough for the kids. Saturday night Christie and her family came over for an early fathers day celebration. We ordered two little ceasars pizzas that night...and once again, I told Pat limit your intake of the pizza! This about kills me because I am a "foodie"...i love to eat and I love to see others eating what I have. Christie made her dad some homemade peanut butter candy for fathers day and Kate brought over cupcakes on Sunday, for which I was very grateful to both of them for, because it gave us a dessert. We used to buy donuts every Sunday before the kids came over. I can't remember the last time we did? Those were the little treats in life that we took for granted. In spite of not having as much food as I'd have liked, we still had a wonderful time with the kids here. They were good to their dad...all four of them gave him  money for his gift, which believe me, we needed and appreciated! Do you know how hard it is to take money from one of your children? Granted this was for an occasion, but it still is not easy to do. Christie and Brian gave Pat his (money) gift a week early, because they knew the financial shape we were in that weekend. Christie and Brian have a rough time themselves trying to make ends meet, yet here they are, giving Pat twenty bucks the week before fathers day. I thank God for all of our kids. As crazy as they sometimes make me, they have the most generous hearts and souls. For some time Dave was buying us soda, toilet paper and laundry detergent on every one of his pay days. Dave does good making it pay day to pay day...and he's buying us groceries?! It's a hard pill to swallow, it makes me ashamed that we are in the position we're in, but it also makes me feel so proud of the way our kiddos have turned out! I love them more then life itself!
So we're talking about having a yard sale this weekend, something to give us money to make it thru another week? The thought of it makes me sick. I have no desire to stand outside in the heat making small talk with strangers who will want to barter me down for my possesions that I'm HAVING to sell just to make it thru the week. At first I was on board with the idea, but the closer the weekend gets, the less enthusiastic I am about it. Like I said, today is a bad day. I feel like i'm stuck in groundhog day..it's the same thing, day in and day out. We can't even afford to go to the mall to get anutie annes pretzels and a starbucks drink anymore. Even a drive to st louis is out of the question because we have to watch our gas. I want to scream right now...I feel angry and depressed and then I feel guilty for feeling this way, because I know there are so many people out there who have it a lot worse then us. We are healthy and we have been blessed with four beautiful children and 3 son in laws (almost three..Chris and brian are engaged with a wedding coming up this next spring), and the icing on our cake is our 8 grandchildren! Allys three, Kates three, Christie and Brians one, and Brians son Colin. They are the most beautiful kids on the face of this earth! I wish I could be as carefree as they are! I wish I could find happiness in something as simple as the rain hitting my cheeks, the sun shining on my face, and running barefoot thru the back yard! It makes me sad that i've lost these simple joys in life. I feel like it's an effort just to get out of bed some mornings. Because I know it's going to be the same today as it was yesterday. Get up, brush my teeth, take a shower, and on a lot of the days, put on clean pjs, because i know we aren't going to go anywhere. Groundhog day. I fall into my pit of depression and then I feel guilty when I hear or read about someone else who is going thru something far worse then what we are. I read a blog about a little boy, his mom calls him Trippadoodle, he's a little four yr old who has the face of an angel, who was hit on the head this year with a falling tree limb. It was heavy enough and hit hm hard enough, that it caused him to suffer severe brain damage. His mom has a blog about his progress, about her hopes and dreams for her once normal little Tripadoodle, that make our financial problems seem like a walk in the park. She wakes up each morning with hopes of her little boy making it thru the day, of his being able to do the small little things, like moving his hands and feet, keeping his feedings down, his following her with his eyes when she talks to him,  that I imagine she once took for granted too. There are a lot of blogs out there about people and their children who are going thru devastating diseases and health problems. My heart aches for them all, but theres something special about little Trippadoodles blog that touches my heart. I pray for him to be healed, for this sweet little boy to become the normal little boy he once was. It's hard for me to understand how this could have happened to a child. I do not like to question God, but when it's a child in need or hurting, I do? Just like when Ally lost her precious little baby boy Anderson. Why why why???? I had a baptist pastor who was also my hypnotist at the time, tell me that maybe there was something worse for Anderson down the road..that maybe he would have gotten a cancer or an illness that would have been far worse then his passing so soon? He said that even he could not understand why bad things happen to innocent babies and children? We just have to believe that God knows the whys and His plan is a perfect plan. We have to know in our hearts that one day we will all be together again and that all of our pains and hurts and illnesses and diseases will be gone. We will be in perfect health. Trippadoodle will be running around like the rambunctious little toddler I'm sure he was before that tree limb hit him, Ally will be lovingly holding baby Anderson in her arms, all pain and all hurt will be gone! Just writing about this puts my problems back into perspective again...now I think i'll head out side to feel the warmth of the sun shining on my face and maybe I'll even walk (not run) thru the backyard to feel the cool blades of grass tickling my feet! The only thing that could make it any better would be if it started to rain and I could feel the soft cool raindrops hitting my face....and of course, a rainbow would be the cherry on top of the sundae!

I have two blogs out there and I get mixed up with which one I'm in. I need to move the other one over to this one so I just have one. It's a tuesday night. Pat's asleep on the couch and he's snoring which drives me nuts! I didn't leave the house today. Pat and Dave went to the movie to see Star Trek. Dave's on vacation this week. Still no job for Pat, but he has had a couple interviews so at least we have something out there on the burner to hope for. Other good news is the loan company we have our house with offered us a deal. We pay half the normal payment, $650 for four months and then they'll refinance the loan. Pat just paid the first payment of $650 last week and he said it felt so good! When I told my sister about it, she said it probably felt good because it gaurentees us a roof over our head and  because it means that we can't be booted out! I myself, think it was more a feeling of pride that felt so darned good! It's hard to hold onto your pride when you're in the position we're in. Not being able to pay the credit cards or the house and paying the other bills late does not make you beam with pride. Just the opposite. It makes me feel ashamed. We've no one to blame but ourselves for this mess that we're in, BUT we never in a million years dreamed it would be as hard as it is for Pat to find work. We assumed he would get a job as soon as he started the search. Boy were we wrong!
I did have some excitement going on this past week. I put in for a reality show, a game show that is called "Family Room". The app asked for familes who are fun and crazy, who can bicker but make up. I figured my family was perfect for this show! We definately fit the crazy bill! When I got a call from the casting director telling me he was interested, I called my sister and brothers to run it by them. They all said they would do it if we got chosen. I let the casting director know this and he then interviewed us. Well, he interviewed me, Chris, and Jim. He never was able to get ahold of Rick. We had planned on the eight players being me, Chris, Randy, Rick, Liv, Jim, Sherri, and Taylor. We were told that the show would be held in a family room setting and we'd have to put together puzzles and furniture...for instance an IKEA desk or table. We would be playing against another family of eight and had the chance to win up to $25,000! Our flights to L.A. and our hotel and food were going to be paid for too. To me it was a win/win deal! A free trip (for two to four days) to L.A., and a chance to win some money! not to mention the excitement of being on t.v.! I was pleasantly shocked when my sister and brothers all said they were in for it! The casting director called four or five times...he did interviews over the phone and asked me to send him pictures of all of us. When he saw them he said we were his favorite family and he really wanted to get us on the show. Things were moving fast. Another woman who works for the show called yesterday and said she wanted to start booking us. She said we have an amazing family! Which of course, I have to agree with! I love my sister and brothers so much! I was thrilled and started daydreaming about our trip. I could just imagine dad looking down on us four kids, his four kids, and laughing at all of us! He loved seeing the four of us together. We always act crazy when we get together. We revert back to our childhood and have so much fun! Anyway, to make a long story short, Rick opted out first and then Chris. Which i respect, i would never want them to feel obligated. I respect their choice, but i do not understand it. It made me sad. It was a diversion from my dwelling on our financial situation and Pat not having a job. It gave me something to dream about again. I looked at it like a four day all expense paid vacation. Lord knows we can't afford to go on one now...a trip to the mall to eat auntie annes pretzles is as good as it gets for us these days..so a trip to L.A. sounded like well...what it was...too good to be true! In the end I would never want my sister and brothers to do anything that they weren't comfortable with, but it still makes me sad! Oh well...life goes on and I can only pray and hang onto hope that Pat will find a job soon and then we can afford to pay for our own vacation! I really hope Chris, Rick and Jim and their spouses all join us. I don't think they realize how much I need them now. I always need them and I always will love them, but when you're going thru a rough time you need your family more. Not for their money, but for their reassurance that everything is going to be okay! and for their company and love!