Here it is June 17th, it's been 20 1/2 months since Pat has worked. Today is not a good day. I do not know what makes some days harder to deal with? I got up early, around five thirty, maybe that is what is making me feel hopeless?  I did not get enough sleep?I just get so tired of the hope that comes with Pats interviews...then the wait...and then nothing.You would think that the places he interviews with would have the decency to at least call him back and let him know that he didn't get the job? I mean, how long would it take to send off an email or give a call to tell him "we went with someone else"?  For the life of me I do not understand the reason why he has not gotten a job yet? Mom still thinks it's his age. I wonder if that's the reason or if it's our bad credit that has been destroyed from not having enough money to pay the bills this past year? I can't help but think that there has to be a common denominator because the man has been on so many interviews over the past year. Some he was sure he would get, because he knew someone there, a few he was the only person to interview for the position, so we thought it was a done deal. And yet nothing. He applied for pizza hut, he applied for the general dollar store, he applied for Home Depot, he applied for the shopette on base, the list goes on and on..it's not like he isn't trying. Since the loan company we have our house with offered us a deal, to pay half the amount of the usual payment for four months, we were able to make our first payment to them, in months, just last month. It felt good to pay this, but....of course, it left us shorter on cash then we already were. After we pay the house and the car, the utilites and car insurance, we are left with very little for groceries. For the past three or four months we have been pawning one of my diamond rings and Pats wedding band just to make thru another week. Of course, this is a vicious cycle because come the next pay, we have to get the rings out of hawk...only to be able to wear them another few weeks until we're headed back to the pawn shop to get the money we need to survive thru another week. I really do not think  most people realize what it's like to be in our shoes. Sunday was fathers day. I would have loved to have had steaks and potatoes for our family, but there was no way we had the money to buy this, instead we had spaghetti and meatballs. We bought two packs of hamburg because when I make meatballs I like to have at least 30 of them. Dave alone can take out 7 with his first plateful! This is one of the few things I make that everyone likes. So I'm preparing my sauce when I run out of garlic salt. Next the meatballs, when I open the secnd pack of hamburg I notice it's not the right color, instead of pink it's brown! I smell it and it stinks....I want to cry because I know we cannot afford to buy another pack of hamburg. We were not even able to afford the garlic salt yet alone the meat! I make my meatballs a lot smaller then i normally do and I"m able to get 20 out of the one pack of hamburg. I tell Pat that he and I cannot eat as many  meatballs as we may like...we have to make sure there is enough for the kids. Saturday night Christie and her family came over for an early fathers day celebration. We ordered two little ceasars pizzas that night...and once again, I told Pat limit your intake of the pizza! This about kills me because I am a "foodie"...i love to eat and I love to see others eating what I have. Christie made her dad some homemade peanut butter candy for fathers day and Kate brought over cupcakes on Sunday, for which I was very grateful to both of them for, because it gave us a dessert. We used to buy donuts every Sunday before the kids came over. I can't remember the last time we did? Those were the little treats in life that we took for granted. In spite of not having as much food as I'd have liked, we still had a wonderful time with the kids here. They were good to their dad...all four of them gave him  money for his gift, which believe me, we needed and appreciated! Do you know how hard it is to take money from one of your children? Granted this was for an occasion, but it still is not easy to do. Christie and Brian gave Pat his (money) gift a week early, because they knew the financial shape we were in that weekend. Christie and Brian have a rough time themselves trying to make ends meet, yet here they are, giving Pat twenty bucks the week before fathers day. I thank God for all of our kids. As crazy as they sometimes make me, they have the most generous hearts and souls. For some time Dave was buying us soda, toilet paper and laundry detergent on every one of his pay days. Dave does good making it pay day to pay day...and he's buying us groceries?! It's a hard pill to swallow, it makes me ashamed that we are in the position we're in, but it also makes me feel so proud of the way our kiddos have turned out! I love them more then life itself!
So we're talking about having a yard sale this weekend, something to give us money to make it thru another week? The thought of it makes me sick. I have no desire to stand outside in the heat making small talk with strangers who will want to barter me down for my possesions that I'm HAVING to sell just to make it thru the week. At first I was on board with the idea, but the closer the weekend gets, the less enthusiastic I am about it. Like I said, today is a bad day. I feel like i'm stuck in groundhog day..it's the same thing, day in and day out. We can't even afford to go to the mall to get anutie annes pretzels and a starbucks drink anymore. Even a drive to st louis is out of the question because we have to watch our gas. I want to scream right now...I feel angry and depressed and then I feel guilty for feeling this way, because I know there are so many people out there who have it a lot worse then us. We are healthy and we have been blessed with four beautiful children and 3 son in laws (almost three..Chris and brian are engaged with a wedding coming up this next spring), and the icing on our cake is our 8 grandchildren! Allys three, Kates three, Christie and Brians one, and Brians son Colin. They are the most beautiful kids on the face of this earth! I wish I could be as carefree as they are! I wish I could find happiness in something as simple as the rain hitting my cheeks, the sun shining on my face, and running barefoot thru the back yard! It makes me sad that i've lost these simple joys in life. I feel like it's an effort just to get out of bed some mornings. Because I know it's going to be the same today as it was yesterday. Get up, brush my teeth, take a shower, and on a lot of the days, put on clean pjs, because i know we aren't going to go anywhere. Groundhog day. I fall into my pit of depression and then I feel guilty when I hear or read about someone else who is going thru something far worse then what we are. I read a blog about a little boy, his mom calls him Trippadoodle, he's a little four yr old who has the face of an angel, who was hit on the head this year with a falling tree limb. It was heavy enough and hit hm hard enough, that it caused him to suffer severe brain damage. His mom has a blog about his progress, about her hopes and dreams for her once normal little Tripadoodle, that make our financial problems seem like a walk in the park. She wakes up each morning with hopes of her little boy making it thru the day, of his being able to do the small little things, like moving his hands and feet, keeping his feedings down, his following her with his eyes when she talks to him,  that I imagine she once took for granted too. There are a lot of blogs out there about people and their children who are going thru devastating diseases and health problems. My heart aches for them all, but theres something special about little Trippadoodles blog that touches my heart. I pray for him to be healed, for this sweet little boy to become the normal little boy he once was. It's hard for me to understand how this could have happened to a child. I do not like to question God, but when it's a child in need or hurting, I do? Just like when Ally lost her precious little baby boy Anderson. Why why why???? I had a baptist pastor who was also my hypnotist at the time, tell me that maybe there was something worse for Anderson down the road..that maybe he would have gotten a cancer or an illness that would have been far worse then his passing so soon? He said that even he could not understand why bad things happen to innocent babies and children? We just have to believe that God knows the whys and His plan is a perfect plan. We have to know in our hearts that one day we will all be together again and that all of our pains and hurts and illnesses and diseases will be gone. We will be in perfect health. Trippadoodle will be running around like the rambunctious little toddler I'm sure he was before that tree limb hit him, Ally will be lovingly holding baby Anderson in her arms, all pain and all hurt will be gone! Just writing about this puts my problems back into perspective again...now I think i'll head out side to feel the warmth of the sun shining on my face and maybe I'll even walk (not run) thru the backyard to feel the cool blades of grass tickling my feet! The only thing that could make it any better would be if it started to rain and I could feel the soft cool raindrops hitting my face....and of course, a rainbow would be the cherry on top of the sundae!

I have two blogs out there and I get mixed up with which one I'm in. I need to move the other one over to this one so I just have one. It's a tuesday night. Pat's asleep on the couch and he's snoring which drives me nuts! I didn't leave the house today. Pat and Dave went to the movie to see Star Trek. Dave's on vacation this week. Still no job for Pat, but he has had a couple interviews so at least we have something out there on the burner to hope for. Other good news is the loan company we have our house with offered us a deal. We pay half the normal payment, $650 for four months and then they'll refinance the loan. Pat just paid the first payment of $650 last week and he said it felt so good! When I told my sister about it, she said it probably felt good because it gaurentees us a roof over our head and  because it means that we can't be booted out! I myself, think it was more a feeling of pride that felt so darned good! It's hard to hold onto your pride when you're in the position we're in. Not being able to pay the credit cards or the house and paying the other bills late does not make you beam with pride. Just the opposite. It makes me feel ashamed. We've no one to blame but ourselves for this mess that we're in, BUT we never in a million years dreamed it would be as hard as it is for Pat to find work. We assumed he would get a job as soon as he started the search. Boy were we wrong!
I did have some excitement going on this past week. I put in for a reality show, a game show that is called "Family Room". The app asked for familes who are fun and crazy, who can bicker but make up. I figured my family was perfect for this show! We definately fit the crazy bill! When I got a call from the casting director telling me he was interested, I called my sister and brothers to run it by them. They all said they would do it if we got chosen. I let the casting director know this and he then interviewed us. Well, he interviewed me, Chris, and Jim. He never was able to get ahold of Rick. We had planned on the eight players being me, Chris, Randy, Rick, Liv, Jim, Sherri, and Taylor. We were told that the show would be held in a family room setting and we'd have to put together puzzles and furniture...for instance an IKEA desk or table. We would be playing against another family of eight and had the chance to win up to $25,000! Our flights to L.A. and our hotel and food were going to be paid for too. To me it was a win/win deal! A free trip (for two to four days) to L.A., and a chance to win some money! not to mention the excitement of being on t.v.! I was pleasantly shocked when my sister and brothers all said they were in for it! The casting director called four or five times...he did interviews over the phone and asked me to send him pictures of all of us. When he saw them he said we were his favorite family and he really wanted to get us on the show. Things were moving fast. Another woman who works for the show called yesterday and said she wanted to start booking us. She said we have an amazing family! Which of course, I have to agree with! I love my sister and brothers so much! I was thrilled and started daydreaming about our trip. I could just imagine dad looking down on us four kids, his four kids, and laughing at all of us! He loved seeing the four of us together. We always act crazy when we get together. We revert back to our childhood and have so much fun! Anyway, to make a long story short, Rick opted out first and then Chris. Which i respect, i would never want them to feel obligated. I respect their choice, but i do not understand it. It made me sad. It was a diversion from my dwelling on our financial situation and Pat not having a job. It gave me something to dream about again. I looked at it like a four day all expense paid vacation. Lord knows we can't afford to go on one now...a trip to the mall to eat auntie annes pretzles is as good as it gets for us these days..so a trip to L.A. sounded like well...what it was...too good to be true! In the end I would never want my sister and brothers to do anything that they weren't comfortable with, but it still makes me sad! Oh well...life goes on and I can only pray and hang onto hope that Pat will find a job soon and then we can afford to pay for our own vacation! I really hope Chris, Rick and Jim and their spouses all join us. I don't think they realize how much I need them now. I always need them and I always will love them, but when you're going thru a rough time you need your family more. Not for their money, but for their reassurance that everything is going to be okay! and for their company and love!

Today is a dreary day, no sunshine and rain. Rain rain rain!! It sure doesn't feel like spring. We did get out today, went over to Christie and Brians to take some of their stuff (that they had stored here) back to them. If we have to move on a short notice, we want to be as ready as we can be. It's amazing how much junk we have around here! We found a townhouse here in Mascoutah that allows cats, of course, they have no idea that we have SIX of them, so if we have to move there, we'll have to sneak four of them in! I am an animal lover, my pets are like my babies....I will give up jewelry and clothes and furniture, but I refuse to give up my cats! They did nothing wrong to get us into the financial shape were in. I feel like we're living in Groundhog day. That movie with Bill Murray where every day is the same as it was yesterday. We get up, mess around on the computers, get ready for bed around three oclock and watch tv. I'm about ready to lose my flipping mind! Pat has put in for more jobs, he hangs onto hope, which is good, because I lose mine more often then not. I get beyond frustrated. I know everything happens for a reason, but I can't figure out what this reason is? I've learned my lesson, I know we need to have some money in savings. I am sorry for how much I took for granted....so why can't Pat find a job?!! I question the Lord and then I feel guilty. I know there are others who have it worse off then us. We really are blessed with good health and healthy beautiful children and grandchildren. But I still cannot understand why we are going thru this trial?
I was supposed to go back to Ohio to help out with my mom after she got out of rehab (from having two hip surgeries on a broken hip). I offered to go when my sister called me sounding tired and desperate for help with mom. I offered to go speaking from my heart and not my brain and once I sat down to figure out how we'd even get to moms, I realized I couldn't leave at this time. I just can't leave Pat here alone. Our days are long enough as it is, but at least we have each other for company. Not to mention that we do not have the money to travel that far. My sister said she would give us money for the trip from moms account. I just couldn't do it. I know my family means well, but it isn't easy accepting money from any of them. One thing I am trying to hang on to is my pride! I love my siblings and my mom with all my heart and soul, but when some of them say "we know what you're going thru" I want to say NO...you don't! We are not making enough money to make it thru a month. We sell things on ebay and Pat recently pawned my ring. We do not make enough money to buy groceries for the month or gas for the car without selling something. We live in fear that we may have to move. We can't eat out, we can't do much of anything anymore. I feel like a big loser. I feel like a disappointment to my kids. When I tell Pat i feel like a loser, he tells me that what I really mean is that he is a loser. He takes it personal and I really do not mean it that way. I was the big spender between the two of us. Not Pat. I have so many regrets, but of course, they do me no good, so I need to let them go. I have a friend who is living off less then we do. She and her boyfriend live off $800 a month. She somehow manages to pay their bills and keep their home with this. My heart goes out to her. Yet she has the most positive attitude! I am envious of her for this. I get down in the dumps, I cry, I feel rage...more then once I've had the urge to throw something, anything, to break it just to let go of my frustrations and anger. I get so depressed that I don't want to do a thing. Forget cleaning house, I find it hard to even call my family. What am I going to say..it's not like we do anything different with each new day. Same old same old...living in groundhog day! It's an effort getting showered and dressed yet alone making small talk with people. I feel like holing up in my home, for as long as I have a home to hole up in, and shutting out the world. I used to be a dreamer. I used to say that I danced my way thru life. Now I won't even allow myself to dream about things I want in life....and instead of dancing i feel like i'm crawling! Lord help me!

Here it is almost 5 months later from when I last posted in this blog! I think my last entry was right before Thanksgiving. So much has happened since then.  Best of all, we've been blessed with two more little miracles. Emily Noelle Martin made her debut on December 4th. She is a beautiful little cherub who was born with a headful of dark hair, something we're not used to seeing..hair on our grandbabies! A little over a month later, on Jan. 10th we welcomed yet another little miracle into our world, Benjamin Winters Adams. Ben's a beautiful little boy...who once again shocked us by being born with hair! My girls must have had a lot of heartburn while pregnant with these two! There is nothing sweeter then welcoming a new baby into the world and when it's your grandchildren, it's even better! We have 7 grandchildren and they really are the light of my life!

I do have to mention their names here....Emilys name was kept a secret until she was born. Kate and Chris did this with all three of their kids and it about drove us nuts trying to guess what their names would be! I love Em's name and her middle name Noelle is perfect for a december baby! Master Benjamins middle name is a family name. Winters was my great grandpas middle name! So it's special to me. Welcome to our world Em and Ben! You're both in for a crazy ride with the Wheeler side of your families! Thank You God for these two perfect blessings!
Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone and we're already in a new year.  Time seems to zip by. and the saying is true, the older you get, the faster it seems to go by. I will turn 58 next month! I can't believe it. Fifty eight is OLD! no getting there, I'm already there! Aging is bittersweet. Inside my head I still feel the same way that I did when I was in my twenties. Unfortunately, my body isn't co-operating with my brain! I can't do what I used to do back then and I definately do not look like I looked back then! I swear I've aged about twenty years in the past year and a half. With Pat being out of work the stress has been almost unbearable at times. Of course gone are my botox and juviderm fillers! I can't even make it to the beauty salon. No more extensions and my color comes from a box that I buy at walmart. I was a very high maintenance kind of girl. I took for granted all that I had and was able to do. A few cruises a year, trips here and there, new clothes and shoes, and eating out any time I wanted. Now a trip to St Louis is a treat and eating pretzels from auntie annes at the local mall is about as good as it gets eating out! I get angry with myself because I know how we flittered money away. We were having the time of our lives and we thought it would never end. When Pat left anheuser busch he was sure he'd have a new job within three months of his quitting. That three months turned into a year and then a year and a half. Right now our house is in foreclosure and our credit cards are not being paid. The credit we worked hard at getting good is worse then it's ever been. We went from an annual six figure income to living off of about $2000 a month in retirement pay. After paying the few bills that we are still paying, we do not have enough money to make it thru the month with food. I've sold some things on ebay to tide us over and Pat pawned one of my rings last week to help out. We fight and we cry. We make up and fight again. I get angry with Pat because in my mind he could have and should have been working somewhere this past year...ANYWHERE, even if it's McDonalds! Of course, some of you probably are thinking, "well so could you". I defend myself, or try to here, by saying that I've low self esteem, which I do, and I also suffer from terrible social anxiety. Just the thought of being out in public around other people terrorizes me. And now i'm going to set womens lib back about a hundred years, but i believe the man should be the bread winner. Pat married me knowing that I was not going to work after we had children. He went on to college and got his masters degree. I have a high school diploma. I don't even know why I'm writing about this stuff..it really makes no difference at all. The bottom line is we're in deep financial trouble and even though we've no one to blame but ourselves, it still sucks big time! Pat has been on so many job interviews and each time he would head out the door all dressed up in his suit and tie I had hopes of him getting that job. But after so many of these interviews, I kind of lost my hope. I got angry and bitter and wondered why this was happening to us? Just this past weekend I about went over the edge. They say that losing ones sanity is as fine of a line as a crack in a sidewalk...well, saturday I felt like i was going to fall over that crack. I felt like i was hanging onto the edge of a cliff by my fingertips and i was about ready to let go. To say it scared me is an understatement. Thank God my sister talked me thru it and my friend Liv prayed for me. Then Kate and her family were here Sunday and of course, my grandbabies helped me heal. That's why I say there is nothing sweeter then your grandbabies! They can heal a heartache with a mere smile, they can give you back your hope without saying a word...just seeing their precious little faces is medicine for my heart and soul! and tonight i'll get another dose of this well needed medicine when Chloe belle is here! I wish that Patrick, Harrison and Ben were closer so I could see them more often, but for now, I have to make due with the time we are able to see them. Life goes on....it may be different for us now, it may not be what we had dreamed and hoped it would be at this time in our life, but it is what it is and we just have to keep on trudging along and most of all, not let go of our hopes and dreams. I may be old but I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet!