Today is a dreary day, no sunshine and rain. Rain rain rain!! It sure doesn't feel like spring. We did get out today, went over to Christie and Brians to take some of their stuff (that they had stored here) back to them. If we have to move on a short notice, we want to be as ready as we can be. It's amazing how much junk we have around here! We found a townhouse here in Mascoutah that allows cats, of course, they have no idea that we have SIX of them, so if we have to move there, we'll have to sneak four of them in! I am an animal lover, my pets are like my babies....I will give up jewelry and clothes and furniture, but I refuse to give up my cats! They did nothing wrong to get us into the financial shape were in. I feel like we're living in Groundhog day. That movie with Bill Murray where every day is the same as it was yesterday. We get up, mess around on the computers, get ready for bed around three oclock and watch tv. I'm about ready to lose my flipping mind! Pat has put in for more jobs, he hangs onto hope, which is good, because I lose mine more often then not. I get beyond frustrated. I know everything happens for a reason, but I can't figure out what this reason is? I've learned my lesson, I know we need to have some money in savings. I am sorry for how much I took for granted....so why can't Pat find a job?!! I question the Lord and then I feel guilty. I know there are others who have it worse off then us. We really are blessed with good health and healthy beautiful children and grandchildren. But I still cannot understand why we are going thru this trial?
I was supposed to go back to Ohio to help out with my mom after she got out of rehab (from having two hip surgeries on a broken hip). I offered to go when my sister called me sounding tired and desperate for help with mom. I offered to go speaking from my heart and not my brain and once I sat down to figure out how we'd even get to moms, I realized I couldn't leave at this time. I just can't leave Pat here alone. Our days are long enough as it is, but at least we have each other for company. Not to mention that we do not have the money to travel that far. My sister said she would give us money for the trip from moms account. I just couldn't do it. I know my family means well, but it isn't easy accepting money from any of them. One thing I am trying to hang on to is my pride! I love my siblings and my mom with all my heart and soul, but when some of them say "we know what you're going thru" I want to say NO...you don't! We are not making enough money to make it thru a month. We sell things on ebay and Pat recently pawned my ring. We do not make enough money to buy groceries for the month or gas for the car without selling something. We live in fear that we may have to move. We can't eat out, we can't do much of anything anymore. I feel like a big loser. I feel like a disappointment to my kids. When I tell Pat i feel like a loser, he tells me that what I really mean is that he is a loser. He takes it personal and I really do not mean it that way. I was the big spender between the two of us. Not Pat. I have so many regrets, but of course, they do me no good, so I need to let them go. I have a friend who is living off less then we do. She and her boyfriend live off $800 a month. She somehow manages to pay their bills and keep their home with this. My heart goes out to her. Yet she has the most positive attitude! I am envious of her for this. I get down in the dumps, I cry, I feel rage...more then once I've had the urge to throw something, anything, to break it just to let go of my frustrations and anger. I get so depressed that I don't want to do a thing. Forget cleaning house, I find it hard to even call my family. What am I going to say..it's not like we do anything different with each new day. Same old same old...living in groundhog day! It's an effort getting showered and dressed yet alone making small talk with people. I feel like holing up in my home, for as long as I have a home to hole up in, and shutting out the world. I used to be a dreamer. I used to say that I danced my way thru life. Now I won't even allow myself to dream about things I want in life....and instead of dancing i feel like i'm crawling! Lord help me!

Here it is almost 5 months later from when I last posted in this blog! I think my last entry was right before Thanksgiving. So much has happened since then.  Best of all, we've been blessed with two more little miracles. Emily Noelle Martin made her debut on December 4th. She is a beautiful little cherub who was born with a headful of dark hair, something we're not used to seeing..hair on our grandbabies! A little over a month later, on Jan. 10th we welcomed yet another little miracle into our world, Benjamin Winters Adams. Ben's a beautiful little boy...who once again shocked us by being born with hair! My girls must have had a lot of heartburn while pregnant with these two! There is nothing sweeter then welcoming a new baby into the world and when it's your grandchildren, it's even better! We have 7 grandchildren and they really are the light of my life!

I do have to mention their names here....Emilys name was kept a secret until she was born. Kate and Chris did this with all three of their kids and it about drove us nuts trying to guess what their names would be! I love Em's name and her middle name Noelle is perfect for a december baby! Master Benjamins middle name is a family name. Winters was my great grandpas middle name! So it's special to me. Welcome to our world Em and Ben! You're both in for a crazy ride with the Wheeler side of your families! Thank You God for these two perfect blessings!
Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone and we're already in a new year.  Time seems to zip by. and the saying is true, the older you get, the faster it seems to go by. I will turn 58 next month! I can't believe it. Fifty eight is OLD! no getting there, I'm already there! Aging is bittersweet. Inside my head I still feel the same way that I did when I was in my twenties. Unfortunately, my body isn't co-operating with my brain! I can't do what I used to do back then and I definately do not look like I looked back then! I swear I've aged about twenty years in the past year and a half. With Pat being out of work the stress has been almost unbearable at times. Of course gone are my botox and juviderm fillers! I can't even make it to the beauty salon. No more extensions and my color comes from a box that I buy at walmart. I was a very high maintenance kind of girl. I took for granted all that I had and was able to do. A few cruises a year, trips here and there, new clothes and shoes, and eating out any time I wanted. Now a trip to St Louis is a treat and eating pretzels from auntie annes at the local mall is about as good as it gets eating out! I get angry with myself because I know how we flittered money away. We were having the time of our lives and we thought it would never end. When Pat left anheuser busch he was sure he'd have a new job within three months of his quitting. That three months turned into a year and then a year and a half. Right now our house is in foreclosure and our credit cards are not being paid. The credit we worked hard at getting good is worse then it's ever been. We went from an annual six figure income to living off of about $2000 a month in retirement pay. After paying the few bills that we are still paying, we do not have enough money to make it thru the month with food. I've sold some things on ebay to tide us over and Pat pawned one of my rings last week to help out. We fight and we cry. We make up and fight again. I get angry with Pat because in my mind he could have and should have been working somewhere this past year...ANYWHERE, even if it's McDonalds! Of course, some of you probably are thinking, "well so could you". I defend myself, or try to here, by saying that I've low self esteem, which I do, and I also suffer from terrible social anxiety. Just the thought of being out in public around other people terrorizes me. And now i'm going to set womens lib back about a hundred years, but i believe the man should be the bread winner. Pat married me knowing that I was not going to work after we had children. He went on to college and got his masters degree. I have a high school diploma. I don't even know why I'm writing about this stuff..it really makes no difference at all. The bottom line is we're in deep financial trouble and even though we've no one to blame but ourselves, it still sucks big time! Pat has been on so many job interviews and each time he would head out the door all dressed up in his suit and tie I had hopes of him getting that job. But after so many of these interviews, I kind of lost my hope. I got angry and bitter and wondered why this was happening to us? Just this past weekend I about went over the edge. They say that losing ones sanity is as fine of a line as a crack in a sidewalk...well, saturday I felt like i was going to fall over that crack. I felt like i was hanging onto the edge of a cliff by my fingertips and i was about ready to let go. To say it scared me is an understatement. Thank God my sister talked me thru it and my friend Liv prayed for me. Then Kate and her family were here Sunday and of course, my grandbabies helped me heal. That's why I say there is nothing sweeter then your grandbabies! They can heal a heartache with a mere smile, they can give you back your hope without saying a word...just seeing their precious little faces is medicine for my heart and soul! and tonight i'll get another dose of this well needed medicine when Chloe belle is here! I wish that Patrick, Harrison and Ben were closer so I could see them more often, but for now, I have to make due with the time we are able to see them. Life goes on....it may be different for us now, it may not be what we had dreamed and hoped it would be at this time in our life, but it is what it is and we just have to keep on trudging along and most of all, not let go of our hopes and dreams. I may be old but I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet!